ABCs&123s

Feeling a little bit more motivated!

2009-08-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well today is a better day. I've managed to get almost all of my morning routine done. It took me most of the day, but I'm getting it done. There is also a race on which is taking some of my attention. Maybe I'll study while my race is one, then concentrate on cleaning Andrew's room. My thoughts are optimistic today! I'm excited and nervous and dreading my classes starting tomorrow. Why is it that I struggle with school so bad? Why do I quit turning in my assignments half way thru the term? I haven't found the answer to that yet. Let's just hope I don't suffer a low during my semester and all should be good right. What do I have to lose. I love reading and studying, even the most boring of subjects. My biggest obsticle with the online classes is the participation points. It just seems like my responses are redundant with what others have said. Of course, they're in my own words, but just seems silly. My house is still a mess but I've interacted with all of my children today and that makes me feel better about myself. I guess I should go finish up the last thing on my morning routine so I can say it's done then work on studying some and getting ahead in my classes.

Unmotivated

2009-08-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

Why am I feeling so unmotivated these days? My house is suffering, my marriage is suffering, my children are suffereing and my dreams are suffering. I'm in good spirits during the day so I know this isn't a low with my bipolar. I do know I want to get everything done, but getting up and doing anything is a challenge for me the last few days. What gives?! I have so many goals and dreams I want to achieve. I want to finish my classes, have a beautiful home and be a great mother to my children and a great wife to my husband. They all deserve it so much, but here I sit each and every day on my ass doing not much of anything. How will my life ever amount to anything living this way? How will I leave a good memory for my children when I'm gone? How will I ever accomplish anything? I've been given so much in life. A wonderful man to love, 3 gorgous children, a beautiful house and what do I do?! I waste each and every day away. My children will only be young once! I want to be the kind of mom that my children know they can come to me when they have a problem, that think I'm a great mom because I take the time out of my day to make them feel special by reading a book to them or spending time with them, or taking them somewhere special. What do I do?! I sit on the computer all day in a cleaning chatroom and what am I doing?! Definately not cleaning as you can tell from my house. My husband deserves a wife who is and acts like she's in love with him. Who wants to be intimate with him. I want to get thru my college education and make a difference in the look of american homes! I can't do that if I keep not passing my classes! I don't know what it is going to take to get me out of this funk but I need to figure out something!

Alexander has arrived!!

2009-07-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

My baby boy is here! Alexander Jacob Hatton was born July 14, 2009 at 7:43 pm. I'll tell you how it all happened.

I noticed that my ankles, hands, and face were becoming swollen. I called my OB office and explained what was happening. They told me to drink a big glass of juice, and to lay down for an hour. They wanted me to keep track of movements for 30 minutes. I did as they told and did not feel one movement. I called them back after laying down for that hour and told them. They asked me to come into the office for a NST. I went in and they hooked me up to the monitor. There we only a few recorded movements on the NST. They told me they didn't like what was happening with his lack of movement so they sent me over to triage in maternity. Once there I got dressed in the hospital gown and hooked up to the monitors. I texted DH and told them they were sending me to the hospital. He got there shortly after. They took some blood work and had me go for an ultrasound. The ultrasound was like a test for the baby. They wanted to measure his movement, fine motor movement, breathing, and a few other things...then they would give him a score. I only felt one movement during that whole time. By this time, Erek had left to go get the boys taken care of. I went back to the triage room. My OB came in and said she didn't like how his heartrate was staying at the baseline. She was worried if she put me into labor that Alex wouldn't handle it well. I told her I had a weird feeling, like something wasn't right. So we decided to do an emergency c-section. I texted DH again and told him to get his butt to the hospital, as we were having a baby today. As soon as the OB walked out of the room, my labor nurse walked in and got me ready for the c-section. About 45 seconds later the anestisiologist walked in and told me what was going to happen. DH got there and he got dressed in his operating room gear. They wheeled me down to the operating room. They had him out within minutes. Erek almost passed out while they were operating on me so they had him sit down outside of the operating room. He ended up having a twisted cord, like a coil and there was a blood clot in his cord as well. He was born blue and not really breathing. They got him breathing and whisked him off to the NICU. The OB said if we hadn't of gotten him out when we did, he probably would have been a stillborn within the next few days. They got me sewn up and wheeled to recovery. By this time, everyone in the family knew he was here. After a few hours they took me down to the NICU to see my baby boy. He was pink and beautiful! He had a full head of dark hair.

He ended up having to stay in the NICU for about 10 days, but he's finally home and he's doing great. I still can't believe he's here already! He is such a great baby! I love him so much already. During his stay in the NICU, I was going to the hospital 6x a day for feedings. It was tiring, especially having just had a c-section. We are both doing well and adjusting to life with a newborn. We saved his life that day, he is my miracle baby for sure!

Nesting!

2009-07-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

I am nesting so bad it's insane. In the last few days I have totally deep cleaned and organized my entryway, kitchen, living room and now the linen closet is done! I usually nest a lot in my last month but this is crazy. I hope to get the hallway and the kid's bathroom done today too, plus laundry.

Erek went to the grocery store last nite and it took him 3 hours and he only brought home one bag of groceries. It kind of makes me suspicious. Then he came home and I think he went next door to Tara's. He left the house but the vehicles didn't move. I don't know what to think. Like I should really be talking. Not sure what to think. I know I should talk to him about it, but I think I'm going to talk to him about it at our counseling appointment, which is tomorrow. It's easier when you have a 3rd party involved.

I'm doing fantastic on saving money. My inheritance money won't last forever so I've decided to start saving now so we can continue to live how we're living now. I don't ever want to go back to living paycheck to paycheck ever again. I have $500 saved and I just started saving 2 weeks ago. I've been putting Tara's rent and the carriage guy's rent in my vacation club savings account. I also got a check from a doctor's office, apparently we over paid and I put that in there as well. Wanting to save money is part of the reason I'm going back to work in September. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a SAHM but I have to prepare for our future. I plan on saving everything I make, minus the money it takes to fill my gas tank and to fulfill my smoking habit.

Not too much else going on. The kids bunk beds should be delivered next week. Then I can start on getting the nursery ready. I love decorating!

Been so long!!

2009-07-02T14:45:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I've written on my blog! I can't believe the last time I wrote I was only 7 weeks pregnant. I am now 35 weeks pregnant! Where to begin!?

Guess I'll start with the pregnancy. This pregnancy has been so easy, it's unreal! I've had no real problems of any kind. I'm a very blessed woman to have such easy pregnancies, this one especially. I have pretty good kids too! We did find out we are having another boy. I will be the mother of 3 boys, and will hopefully be blessed with more children after the birth of this little one. Erek and I have decided on the name Alexander Jacob.

Erek and I were planning to move from Michigan to California. Erek got a job offer out there that eventually fell through. He did get a job at a casino out in California. Then we tried to purchase a home but that fell through, and all of the rental homes we liked were snatched up by someone else so we have decided that fate is telling us to stay in Michigan. And why not when we have a house here in Michigan that is paid for. Just doesn't seem to make financial sense to move us all the way to California to rent when I have my house here. Seems more responsible to me. My family didn't take the news of us moving very well. I got probably 150 lectures about not moving. They were super happy to hear we weren't moving. My mom has even been enjoyable with no comments since we told them we weren't moving. I'm sure it won't last forever but it's a nice break while I have it.

Since we are not moving, I have been very busy getting rooms switched around. Patrick moved out and finally got all of his stuff out of his old room. I have gotten that room painted a light blue for Mackenzie. I have also purchased her bedding and her furniture. We will be filing for change of custody soon. With Lisa having a warrant for her arrest, I'm sure she won't show up to any of the hearings, and we'll be granted custody. We purchased bunk beds for Andrew's room. Nikolas will be moving into Andrew's room and they will become room mates. Once the bunk beds get here and get set up I can get the nursery ready for Alexander. He will be in our room until he starts rolling over so I do have some time to spare as far as getting that room primed, painted, chair rail up and furniture situated.

Yesterday, I took Jazz to the vet and learned he has fleas. We are assuming Daytona and Harmony have then too. So now in addition to all of the above mentioned chores, I have to completely clean and disinfect this entire house. Today I got all of the entryway done with bleach water and part of the kitchen. My next chore is to declutter, clean and organize all of the cupboards to be sure there aren't any fleas hiding out around the food. I'm hoping to get a second whim for cleaning after I finish eating my dinner.

Erek and my relationship is a lot stronger than it used to be, however the chemistry is gone. We love hanging out together, and we make sure we go on a date nite once a week. Usually on Wednesdays, but the conversation is lite and our sex life sure could use some passion. I know it's mostly my fault because of my lack of drive. I'm just not a physical person. I didn't grow up that way, I was very isolated and independent during my teenage years. Not really close to either one of my parents, okay my mom and I didn't get along at all...I don't really know how to correct that.

I have been on my meds for awhile now and boy do I feel like a new person. You can totally tell a difference in me when I don't have one of my meds to take, like if I need to refill my script or something. Especially my Abilify, which is my bipolar med. If I don't have my ADHD med you can really tell a difference too. My lows are few and farther between but they seem to be more intense. I've thought about going to the hospital with the last two episodes. I'm getting excited to meet Alexander tho so maybe that will keep my spirits up until he's here. As long as I don't stress and overwhelm myself with everything I need to do to clean and prep for his arrival.

I'd better get busy!

On Cloud 9!

2008-12-18T10:06:00.000-08:00

Boy has alot happened since the last time I wrote! First, my stepdaughter. We had our court hearing. She failed to show up as usual. The judge issued an arrest warrent for the state of Michigan. Her child support is now being escrowed. That means it will go into an account until she complies with the court order. We have permission to use law enforcement help to get Mackenzie for Christmas break. I cannot wait to see BB's face when we show up on her door step with the cops behind us and demand she give Mackenzie to us!

Second, we are pregnant! It finally happened and I am so happy. I am now 7 weeks along. I found out early in the morning on the 21st of November. I'm super tired and have minimal morning sickness which is awesome. So much better than being nautious 24/7 like I was with Andrew's and Nikolas's pregnancies. Erek has been a gem, letting me get my much needed sleep during this yucky first trimester. My first doc apt is January 9th. We should have an ultrasound then I believe.

Telling the families:
That turned out mostly well. My mom guessed right after we found out. I dunno how she did but then I got a lecture about how she believes in 0 population growth and I need to stop having babies and I'm going to kill our earth. Apparently because she believes in something I should too :S So since my mom knew I had to tell the rest of the family. We announced it at Thanksgiving with both families and everybody else took it well. I still haven't gotten a congratulations from my mom but whatever. She doesn't have to be an active member of this child's life if she's not going to think of this baby as a blessing.

Moving:
Dh got a job offer. It's an amazing one and we are moving to San Diego/LA area. He will be a personal poker dealer for Phil Laak, who is a professional poker player. I cannot wait to get away from my mother and the winters here in Michigan. I will miss everybody else and all of my friends, but I cannot wait to move. We are going to take a trip out there in January to scope out the area and learn some things like the better school districts and the better neighborhoods and hopefully look at some rental homes while we're out there. We plan to rent for a year or so and then either build or buy a home. That way we can learn of the area and schools before we put down permanent roots.

School:
Is not going well. I failed my class. Who puts me in a drawing class. I can hardly draw stick figures. Oh well. I'll take it again next semester and won't have to concentrate on the bookwork because I'll have it all comprehended. Then I can focus on the drawing part of the class and pass it. Looks like every class I take i'm gonna have to expect to take it twice, which is fine by me. A little more expensive that way but whatever. As long as I get my degree in the end.

Well I need to get busy cleaning this house. I am hosting my first Christmas Eve dinner. I hope to get the house cleaned and ready by the day before Christmas Eve so I don't have to worry about cleaning and cooking and wrapping presents.

Near breakdown

2008-11-14T12:52:00.001-08:00

Today is not a good day. I am near break down. Andrew is being very talkative and won't play. My house is a mess and it's already 4pm. How am I going to get everything done that I need to today. I have studying to do and the whole house to clean, need to do my homework assignments. Oh and don't forget the laundry! How do I let myself get so far behind? Blog to post on, homework to do, rooms to clean, kids to tend to and here I am sitting on my ass on the couch not doing a damn thing. I've been moving since I got up this morning so why don't I have more done! I could just crawl back in bed and start this whole day over again. Wouldn't life be nice if there were a rewind button for it. I do feel a little better but sitting here is not going to get life accomplished. And what the hell am I doing in a drawing class?! I can't draw to save my life and it's just adding to my stress! UGH. I will get through it. I have to!

Natalee's Decluttering Challenge

2008-11-08T18:03:00.001-08:00

Finally a normal day!

2008-11-07T20:44:00.000-08:00

I've finally changed my wake up time. I got up at about 7:15 this morning with ease. I love getting up in the mornings almost as much as I like sleeping in. LOL. I get so much more done and feel so much better about myself as a person and as a mom when I get up early. I get so much more accomplished throughout the day and couldn't be happier about it. I have all of the rooms on the main floor looking decent. Living with a household of 5 boys it can always use improvement. Now if I could just get up the courage to work on the basement. Andrew and I have a pretty good day today. Not too many tiffs and when we did I held my ground and didn't give in. I tried using some of the Love and Logic ideas and I like how he responds to it.

Erek and I are doing super. We're doing so well I can feel my heart growing. We're trying so hard for a baby. Erek's new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med was really messing with his ability to finish. It was really making me worried that we wouldn't make my O window. But things are fine in that department.

School has me worried. I have to find that program to be able to finish my class. I know where I put it (on the counter next to th fridge). And now it's gone. I have asked Erek to look behind the fridge but he has yet to. Typical Erek. I ask him to do something and he either does it half assed or it takes days (or in the case of the garage, months). It's driving me crazy. My brother was going to ask his friend if I could borrow his CD. I'll just have to buy the CD again for myself with this month's check. I wish Erek would start stepping up a bit in that area, but if that's the only thing I have to complain about I guess it isn't so bad.

We have a new court date! November 20th we go for Lisa being in contempt. I can't wait for Karma to come bite that lady in the ass. Well I'd better get to bed so I can get up early with my boys and spend time with erek before bed tonight. See-ya all tomorrow.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T08:59:00.001-07:00

Good morning readers! Today I woke up feeling well. My mom stopped by at about 9:30 and asked me why I didn't go to Andrew's school parade! Can you say guilt trip. I had just woken up and was playing with Nikolas. She told me, and I quote "you need to do it all." Is this lady for real. I so need to move away from this toxic relationship. Ever since then I've had a problem saying motivated. I don't know why I let her get to me. I know she says stuff that is going to bug me but yet I still take it personally. I wish I could do it all. I don't know why I can't. Oh wait I'm human right?! I will never be perfect! I will never get to do it all. She just stresses me out so bad, I want to cry. How does a person handle their mother saying these types of things? She's not perfect, far from it so why does she expect me to be. Haven't I proven my entire life that I'm the bad child?! So why would she still expect perfection! I can't handle it anymore. I will never be good enough for her. I thought a mother's love was suppose to be unconditional. Her's is critical.

I so hope I am not doing to my children, what she has done to me. I know my children aren't perfect but they are perfect in my heart. They are the sweetest, most loving and lively little boys you will ever meet. They still have that sparkle in their eyes when they laugh, play and cry. I know they will grow into great men and that will be all because of me and Erek. Not because of Grandma! Watch she'll try to take credit for it in some way when they are grown! Andrew and Nikolas are so bright and intelligent. I can't wait to start homeschooling them both. I'm still in the research and planning mode. That's just one more thing on my plate but oh it will be so worth it. Well I have major things to get done so that I can do it all. I'd bette get busy.

October 30th

2008-10-30T16:09:00.000-07:00

Today started off well. I got up around 11 am. I got into the shower, and completed my morning routine in good time. I went to run errands and that seems where my day went. I went to the Halloween store and looked for a costume for Andrew. I couldn't find one but did get some cute decorations. I then went to another store and did find a batman costume in Andrew's size. Then I went to my counselor appointment and got alot talked about. I then went to the grocery store and to get the kids. I took the kids to the pumpkin patch. We found some great pumpkins and went thru a corn maze. I got alot of great pictures that will be great for scrapbooking. When we got home, I tried to work on the basement but Mr. Nikolas kept breaking out of the living room so I decided to nix that idea. Then my mom showed up. She took her shoes off and started going downstairs. I told her not to look at the surroundings because it was a work in progress. She commented on my new desk. Said it costs too much money. Seriously it's for my school. What is wrong with that woman! Why can't she just accept that I am not her, nor do I think like her, and I can spend my money any way I damn well please. I have so much hanging over my head I feel like it's going to crush me. Five bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 kitchens, 2 living rooms, a laundry room, an office and all of these damn boys is enough to drive a personal mad! Add in all of the crap and no help and it's intense. Add in the millions of book I want to read, all of the scrapbooking pages I need to do, cross-stitching projects, painting, landscaping and it's so overwhelming. Now I have winter looming and the holidays which just adds to my stressors. I haven't even touched on school yet which I am doing so well in and don't want to fail. Where do I start?!

Wacky Wednesday

2008-10-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

Good morning readers! Today started off well. I woke around 10 am again. My ADHD doc office called and told me my ADHD med is now covered by my insurance. What a relief! I finally don't have to pay $135 for a med anymore. I couldn't be happier! I got up, took meds, made my list, made the bed, showered, cleaned the shower, dressed, did hair and make up, swished the toilet, gathered laundry, started laundry, Andrew fed the cats, got Andrew off the bus, Nikolas dressed, diaper bag packed and kids off to daycare. I'm hoping to do 15 minutes in each room on the main level, some crafts, and about an hour of deep cleaning in the kitchen. I also have bowling tonight. Let's hope I can keep my mojo going!

Family Pictures

2008-10-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up around 10 am. I'm not sure what's up with me sleeping in lately. DH and I (and my counselor) think it's because I'm out of my Vyvanse. I feel so lost without my ADHD med. We got out family pictures done today. They were of the professional statues, not just going to Sears. We should have the proofs back in a week and I'm so excited to see them. All of the boys were so good. Even with Nikolas not having a nap. Then I got lazy again and layed around on the bed watching TV and resting. I never fell asleep but felt like it. DH and I then went out for Date Nite. Aunt Sue watched the boys and we went out for dinner at Red Lobster and then bowled two games. Erek told me about the message school he is interested in. I told him that I would support him 100% if he quits working to do it. He said he can't because of insurance but with my inheretance I should be able to pay for it and the rest of the bills. So he's now contemplating it. I just don't know what to do with myself lately. I'm so unhappy internally because of how much stuff I have hanging over my head. DH wants to sleep in the bedroom again and I'm almost ready but not at the same time. All of the rooms on the main level need deep cleaning, the yard and the basement are a mess. I'm just so tired of having so many things on my shoulders. I know I want more children and I know it will just make it worse. That's why I'm hoping by offering Erek to stay home we can get this house looking awesome and all of my craft projects worked on. I do look forward to the possibilities.