Good morning readers! Today I woke up feeling well. My mom stopped by at about 9:30 and asked me why I didn't go to Andrew's school parade! Can you say guilt trip. I had just woken up and was playing with Nikolas. She told me, and I quote "you need to do it all." Is this lady for real. I so need to move away from this toxic relationship. Ever since then I've had a problem saying motivated. I don't know why I let her get to me. I know she says stuff that is going to bug me but yet I still take it personally. I wish I could do it all. I don't know why I can't. Oh wait I'm human right?! I will never be perfect! I will never get to do it all. She just stresses me out so bad, I want to cry. How does a person handle their mother saying these types of things? She's not perfect, far from it so why does she expect me to be. Haven't I proven my entire life that I'm the bad child?! So why would she still expect perfection! I can't handle it anymore. I will never be good enough for her. I thought a mother's love was suppose to be unconditional. Her's is critical.
I so hope I am not doing to my children, what she has done to me. I know my children aren't perfect but they are perfect in my heart. They are the sweetest, most loving and lively little boys you will ever meet. They still have that sparkle in their eyes when they laugh, play and cry. I know they will grow into great men and that will be all because of me and Erek. Not because of Grandma! Watch she'll try to take credit for it in some way when they are grown! Andrew and Nikolas are so bright and intelligent. I can't wait to start homeschooling them both. I'm still in the research and planning mode. That's just one more thing on my plate but oh it will be so worth it. Well I have major things to get done so that I can do it all. I'd bette get busy.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Today started off well. I got up around 11 am. I got into the shower, and completed my morning routine in good time. I went to run errands and that seems where my day went. I went to the Halloween store and looked for a costume for Andrew. I couldn't find one but did get some cute decorations. I then went to another store and did find a batman costume in Andrew's size. Then I went to my counselor appointment and got alot talked about. I then went to the grocery store and to get the kids. I took the kids to the pumpkin patch. We found some great pumpkins and went thru a corn maze. I got alot of great pictures that will be great for scrapbooking. When we got home, I tried to work on the basement but Mr. Nikolas kept breaking out of the living room so I decided to nix that idea. Then my mom showed up. She took her shoes off and started going downstairs. I told her not to look at the surroundings because it was a work in progress. She commented on my new desk. Said it costs too much money. Seriously it's for my school. What is wrong with that woman! Why can't she just accept that I am not her, nor do I think like her, and I can spend my money any way I damn well please. I have so much hanging over my head I feel like it's going to crush me. Five bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 kitchens, 2 living rooms, a laundry room, an office and all of these damn boys is enough to drive a personal mad! Add in all of the crap and no help and it's intense. Add in the millions of book I want to read, all of the scrapbooking pages I need to do, cross-stitching projects, painting, landscaping and it's so overwhelming. Now I have winter looming and the holidays which just adds to my stressors. I haven't even touched on school yet which I am doing so well in and don't want to fail. Where do I start?!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Good morning readers! Today started off well. I woke around 10 am again. My ADHD doc office called and told me my ADHD med is now covered by my insurance. What a relief! I finally don't have to pay $135 for a med anymore. I couldn't be happier! I got up, took meds, made my list, made the bed, showered, cleaned the shower, dressed, did hair and make up, swished the toilet, gathered laundry, started laundry, Andrew fed the cats, got Andrew off the bus, Nikolas dressed, diaper bag packed and kids off to daycare. I'm hoping to do 15 minutes in each room on the main level, some crafts, and about an hour of deep cleaning in the kitchen. I also have bowling tonight. Let's hope I can keep my mojo going!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Today I woke up around 10 am. I'm not sure what's up with me sleeping in lately. DH and I (and my counselor) think it's because I'm out of my Vyvanse. I feel so lost without my ADHD med. We got out family pictures done today. They were of the professional statues, not just going to Sears. We should have the proofs back in a week and I'm so excited to see them. All of the boys were so good. Even with Nikolas not having a nap. Then I got lazy again and layed around on the bed watching TV and resting. I never fell asleep but felt like it. DH and I then went out for Date Nite. Aunt Sue watched the boys and we went out for dinner at Red Lobster and then bowled two games. Erek told me about the message school he is interested in. I told him that I would support him 100% if he quits working to do it. He said he can't because of insurance but with my inheretance I should be able to pay for it and the rest of the bills. So he's now contemplating it. I just don't know what to do with myself lately. I'm so unhappy internally because of how much stuff I have hanging over my head. DH wants to sleep in the bedroom again and I'm almost ready but not at the same time. All of the rooms on the main level need deep cleaning, the yard and the basement are a mess. I'm just so tired of having so many things on my shoulders. I know I want more children and I know it will just make it worse. That's why I'm hoping by offering Erek to stay home we can get this house looking awesome and all of my craft projects worked on. I do look forward to the possibilities.